Breastfeeding, kind of.

So I have been debating whether or not I wanted to write about my nightmare that breastfeeding was. I decided that for my next baby I didn't want to remember all the horrible things. But sometimes I need to be reminded of valid reasons why Linc and I can't breastfeed.

The other day I was at the Mission with Linc, and an elderly lady, who I don't know, asked me if I was breastfeeding. I said that I was pumping. She then proceeded to ask my why I wasn't breastfeeding. Needless to say I was a little taken a back, and a little offend at such a personal question. Thankfully my awesome friend Diane was there and she piped up and said "Oh they have had every problem under the sun."

Sometimes I do feel like I have failed as a mother because i can't breastfeed. Sometimes I wonder what we are missing by not breastfeeding. Sometimes i wonder if Linc knows he is missing something. So I guess sometimes I need to remind myself of what we went through. And remind myself that it is ok that we don't breastfeed in the conventional way.

These are the basic points:
1. Extreme infection in my nipples. My midwife, who has been a midwife for 12 years, and never seen anything like it. (it took over 2 months to heal)
2. Lincoln is tongue tied.
3. I don't produce enough milk (I take medication to keep my milk supply up)
4. Having to supplement starting at about 2 weeks with a bottle caused nipple confusion.
5. Because of the infection, we had to use nipple shields, which creates a whole mess of problems, while solving a few.

Combine all of that over about 4 weeks, each problem presenting itself after another. Some solutions creating problems, and some problems needing long solutions. Feedings would take anywhere from 1 to 2 hours. 1 hour was a good feeding. Needless to say I wasn't getting a lot of sleep. So eventually, after trying for 7 long weeks, being on several different medications, trying several different routines, and after seeing a couple of different Lactation Consultants, we decided that I would just pump and give Linc a bottle. Instead of putting him on the breast for 10 min. (which usually involved screaming or sleeping, because when you can't produce enough milk your child either gets frustrated and screams or gets bored and sleeps) then giving him a bottle of formula, so he was actually full (which would take 20-40mins.), and then pumping for 20 minutes after that. Yes, I was definitely going out of my mind.

I am thankful, very thankful that I am able to pump. In reality what we have chosen to do isn't that easy. I have to pump, and then feed. Twice the work. But it definitely has some positives. I don't have to work my life around breastfeeding. Stephen has been able to help with feedings, which he really enjoys. My mom and dad love having Lincoln over, and now we don't have to worry about me being back in time to feed him, they can give him his bottle.

Would I like to be able to breastfeed like normal mothers? Yes, definately. But above everything I am just thankful that he is at least getting breastmilk. Because my boy is going to be one smart cookie! And I want to loose all this baby weight quickly! Linc, you owe me some pretty sweet Mother's Day presents in the future!

Today I don't like being pregnant.

My feet and legs are so swollen I look like an 80 year old with a severe case of Toxemia.

My right hand is killing me, because in the last week I have developed Carpal tunnel because of my swelling.

I dread going to bed tonight because my back hurts so much by the end of the day when I wake up in the middle of the night it takes minutes for me to coach myself to flip over and somehow pull my 160lb up so I can go to the bathroom, for the 3rd time. It hurts so bad some nights.

Lately my braxton hicks contractions have been getting stronger. I don't think this is necessary. Unless my body is actually going to have this baby, I don't want any unnecessary practice!

I am supposed to sit forward as much as possible because my dear little peanut is laying with its back against my back, which cause back labour. But I am also supposed to sit with my feet elevated as much as possible. Will someone please tell me how I am supposed to do both?

Peanut, you are worn out your welcome! Mommy wants her body back, please come out!

MySpace

This is an old blog I found on our computer. I think its pretty funny.

If you would have asked me 3 months ago if I would pick myspace or death, I would have picked death. I was always one to quickly dis myspace, its avid users and its impersonal way of communication. I vowed to never become a myspace sheep. But then I made my first fatal mistake. I started checking out my dear friends (Joanne) myspaces. It was like opening a treasure chest! You look at one persons list of friends, only to make the rich discover that you know 3 of their friends. You continue to click on each of them, only to find more people you know! Some are good friends, others I haven't thought of in years. Slowly the thought started to creep into my mind "maybe I should join myspace..." but then my better half, my stronger half would tell my self "NO CHER YOU MUST STAY STRONG...DO NOT LET THE POWERS OF MYSPACE WEAKEN YOU". And so our little dance continued...myspace wooing my heart, making me tingle, but my mind always stopping me before I did something I regret. Then I made fatal mistake number 2, I spoke that little voice out loud, while sitting beside my husband. Well to skip a bunch of boring crap, here I am... a user of myspace. It feels like death.*

*any and all opinions expressed in the previous blog are that of Cher, and not Stephen. Duh - we all know Stephen could not write anything that funny.

Problem

I have a bit of a problem as of late.

Its called Shaken Black Iced Tea with or without Lemonade from Starbucks.

Definately becoming a problem.

Wii would like to play

I really want a Wii.
With guitar hero.
And Dance Dance Revolution.

I thought about putting it on my baby registry but decided that wouldn't be appropriate. Funny, but not appropriate.

My 24th birthday is coming up, maybe I'll get one then.

Yea, a Wii would be great.

I am ready

Today I am ready for my baby to come.

If you would have asked me yesterday, I would have said "No, I am not ready"

Today - I am.

I hope our baby realizes its only polite to come on time. If you say you are going to be at a meeting 3pm, then its only polite to be there by at least 3pm if not 5-10 minutes early. Same goes for you baby, same goes for you.

The day I peed on a stick and passed

The week I finally figured out I was pregnant was an interesting one.

It started out by me having a dream. Someone; I think God, said to me clear as day "Cher, you are pregnant." When I woke up the next morning I didn't remember the dream right away. I noticed I wasn't feeling that great, fairly nauseas, and then *WHAM* the dream hit me like a wave, and I stood in the kitchen processing. I chalked it up to some crazy dream, stopped to get some ginger ale on the way to work and went on with my week. But my nausea didn't go away. It was Saturday, and I was in Winners with my older brother Chris, feeling sick and tired and I thought, "This is ridiculous, I guess I will just take the darn test so I can start ruling out why I am not feeling well" So my brother dropped me off, I went to the store and picked up a magic stick that if I pee on will tell me if I have a human being living inside of me.

I finally decided to take the test later in the afternoon. It wasn't an easy decision. Stephen and I had wanted to get pregnant for about the last 2 years. Several times I was sure I was pregnant, only to pee on the magic stick and it flash NEGATIVE in my face. There would be times I would start 'feeling' nauseas and tired, and would convince myself I was pregnant because I desperately wanted to be. This time, I didn't even tell Stephen I was taking the test. I was sure that I wasn’t, and just wanted to rule that out a possibility. In the event that I was, I need to start treating my body different.

I go down to our bathroom, and do one of the most nerve wracking things a women ever have to do. I take the test. Making sure to follow all the rules exactly (if you have ever taken one, you know how complicated peeing on the stick is). I left the bathroom for the allotted amount of time, came back, picked up the stick, carefully mind you as I had just peed on it, and was a little more than surprised to see 1.5 lines. 1 line means you fail, 2 lines mean you pass. What in the world does 1.5 lines mean, I thought to myself. I frantically open up the little instruction manual and re-read the whole thing, until I come to the part where it says "If you see any part of line 2, the test is positive".

Wow. Ok. I pick up my magic stick, I pick up the instruction book, I slowly walk up the stairs, and outside to where Stephen was working. I didn’t run. I didn't plan anything creative. I was so taken off guard; I just walked, staring at the test in disbelief. I show the magic stick to my husband, he looks at it and says "What does this mean?” So I show him the part in the instructions about the 1.5 lines and say "I think it means we are pregnant." He just stared at me, emotionless. We go inside the house, sit down and I ask him what he thinks. "I don't want to get my hopes up". I understand. We had miscarried our first baby about 3 years earlier. It was a very hard time for us, and didn't want to go through having to tell everyone again that we had lost another baby.

But not getting excited wasn't so simple for me. Whether we lost this baby or not, it was still my baby. We decide to not tell our family until I went to see my Dr. and then no one else until we had hit the 12 week mark. I couldn't get in until Tuesday, which was 4 days of waiting, hoping, not knowing.

Tuesday finally comes, I go see my Dr, and this time I get to pee in a magic cup. Well the cup isn't so magically, so much as the poor lab technicians who have to processes my pee are. I tell my Dr. my suspicions, we talk about my last 'dates', my previous complications and she tells me that I am 9.5 weeks pregnant. I was floored! I was that far along? We had miscarried our last baby at 10 weeks, so to know that we were quite far a long was very encouraging. I tell Stephen and he can't believe it either! We go back to work elated.

I call a 'meeting' with my dad and mom, who are CEO and Director of Administration at Siloam where we both work. We were very serious going into the meeting. I tell them I got another job. Something I had been looking into for a long time, and I had finally got a position. My dad, in classic dad fashion, is very encouraging, thinks this great! My mom, I could tell was not as excited, but supportive. Finally my dad asks me what I will be doing. "Well, it doesn't start until the end of March. And it will involve a lot of long nights, mostly staying at home, changing diapers..." I can see the lights go on in my moms eyes; she breaks out into this huge smile. My dad, not so quick. My mom says "Are you having a baby?" "Yes!!!," we finally get to reply. So we hugged, my mom and I squealed, it was awesome.

We told Stephens family the same way, but over the phone. His mom was awesome. She got real quiet when I started explaining my new 'job', and quietly said "Cher, are you pregnant?" It was great. We called Stephen's brother and his wife next, who live in Kansas. Nina's reaction was the best one I got! When we told them she started screaming, I don't think anyone was happier for us!

I told my best friend Ash by inviting her over one evening. Stephen was going to take a picture of us, but the whole time we were posing he was actually video taping. Unfortunately we didn't know that the sound wasn't on our camera, so we only got the video, no conversation. Ashley and I had booked a trip to Cuba together to happen in Oct., so I casually said "Oh, by the way, when we are in Cuba I will be in my 2nd Trimester." It took her a second, but she jumped up and hugged me then said, "You lied to me!" Her and my mom both suggested I was pregnant when I was nauseas for over a week. I lied to them both and told them I took and test and it was negative, when really it was positive.


I told Cam the same way I told Ash. And I told Chris by sending him a card that said "You suck" on the front, and then on the inside "at being an Uncle, get it together by March 30th" I attached a soother. And the rest is history...

This was the day we took the test, but didn't tell anyone our results.