So I have been debating whether or not I wanted to write about my nightmare that breastfeeding was. I decided that for my next baby I didn't want to remember all the horrible things. But sometimes I need to be reminded of valid reasons why Linc and I can't breastfeed.
The other day I was at the Mission with Linc, and an elderly lady, who I don't know, asked me if I was breastfeeding. I said that I was pumping. She then proceeded to ask my why I wasn't breastfeeding. Needless to say I was a little taken a back, and a little offend at such a personal question. Thankfully my awesome friend Diane was there and she piped up and said "Oh they have had every problem under the sun."
Sometimes I do feel like I have failed as a mother because i can't breastfeed. Sometimes I wonder what we are missing by not breastfeeding. Sometimes i wonder if Linc knows he is missing something. So I guess sometimes I need to remind myself of what we went through. And remind myself that it is ok that we don't breastfeed in the conventional way.
These are the basic points:
1. Extreme infection in my nipples. My midwife, who has been a midwife for 12 years, and never seen anything like it. (it took over 2 months to heal)
2. Lincoln is tongue tied.
3. I don't produce enough milk (I take medication to keep my milk supply up)
4. Having to supplement starting at about 2 weeks with a bottle caused nipple confusion.
5. Because of the infection, we had to use nipple shields, which creates a whole mess of problems, while solving a few.
Combine all of that over about 4 weeks, each problem presenting itself after another. Some solutions creating problems, and some problems needing long solutions. Feedings would take anywhere from 1 to 2 hours. 1 hour was a good feeding. Needless to say I wasn't getting a lot of sleep. So eventually, after trying for 7 long weeks, being on several different medications, trying several different routines, and after seeing a couple of different Lactation Consultants, we decided that I would just pump and give Linc a bottle. Instead of putting him on the breast for 10 min. (which usually involved screaming or sleeping, because when you can't produce enough milk your child either gets frustrated and screams or gets bored and sleeps) then giving him a bottle of formula, so he was actually full (which would take 20-40mins.), and then pumping for 20 minutes after that. Yes, I was definitely going out of my mind.
I am thankful, very thankful that I am able to pump. In reality what we have chosen to do isn't that easy. I have to pump, and then feed. Twice the work. But it definitely has some positives. I don't have to work my life around breastfeeding. Stephen has been able to help with feedings, which he really enjoys. My mom and dad love having Lincoln over, and now we don't have to worry about me being back in time to feed him, they can give him his bottle.
Would I like to be able to breastfeed like normal mothers? Yes, definately. But above everything I am just thankful that he is at least getting breastmilk. Because my boy is going to be one smart cookie! And I want to loose all this baby weight quickly! Linc, you owe me some pretty sweet Mother's Day presents in the future!
