It seems to be a trend that I post faithful for a season, and then drop off the face of blog earth. This time I intentionally stopped blogging in June. We walked through a very sad time in our little families life. And I didn't not have the energy for quite a while to celebrate and track what was going on. On June 12th, 2012 I miscarried our 4th child (we have had one previous miscarriage). I was 9 weeks along and the bleeding started out of no where. Initially I wasn't worried, I choosing to be hopeful and positive, giving my body the benefit of the doubt. When the bleeding didn't stop, but nor had it increased, by the next morning, we decided I should go into ER to get checked out - since it was a Sunday. We were unable to schedule an ultra sound until the following day, so the Dr took my blood and checked my levels. At that point, since I was not cramping, and my levels were still good they were still optimistic. But told me if anything changed to come back in. By afternoon the cramping started and I knew it was the end of our pregnancy. We were heart broken to say the least. There is something about miscarrying AFTER you have had the joy of carrying one (or more) babies to full term and having the privilege of raising them. I simply rested, it was all I could do. I continued to bleed and cramp, but thankfully it wasn't that painful. The next day, Monday, I went into the ER to have my ultrasound. This is my second time having an ultrasound far to early in a pregnancy. The second time I have laid on the bed in the hospital holding back tears as I knew what they would say. After waiting a while the Dr called us in and confirmed that yes, the ultrasound showed no sign of life, the baby had probably died around the 6 week mark. Of course, there wasn't anything they could do. They offered to give me a medication to help everything pass, but we declined. I didn't want to interrupt what my body had started. So we went home, and continued to wait. By this point I had been bleeding for 2 full days, and cramping for a day and a half. It wasn't until the third day, a Tuesday, that mercifully, I miscarried our wee one. I was prepared, and had pulled out an old baby blanket both the boys had used. I was able to save the remains, and wrapped them in the blanket - I tried to give our precious baby a tiny bit of dignity.
The miscarriage itself was painless, which I can only say was the Grace of God. Our first miscarriage was extremely painful, almost violent. It was fast and left me in shock as to what my body had just been through. I was very concerned during this miscarriage that it would be just as painful, and that my boys would see me in such pain. But on the Tuesday morning, I woke up and realized my cramps were gone. When I did pass the baby, I felt incredible amount of peace and reassurance. Not that it was extremely sad, don't get me wrong, my heart was breaking - but I felt safe. I felt His presence in the midst of my pain.
About a week after I miscarried we bought a Dahlia Perennial bush and planted it, as well as the baby blanket with the remains of our baby, our at Stephen's parents farm. His mother has a beautiful garden that she takes much pride in - I knew it would be a safe and respectful place to lay our baby to rest and to honor him/her with a beautiful bush that I will watch bloom every year.
When I was in the midst of miscarrying, we saw a seat sale come up for Turkey. We were already planning on Stephen doing a big trip this year, a birthday gift from in honor of his 30th birthday. The price of the tickets were perfectly priced that we could both go to Turkey for what I had already saved for a ticket for him. We saw the timing as nothing short as a small blessing from the Lord. So we booked 2 tickets (well actually 3, as his brother was coming with us) for October. Our trip was amazing, and a great time for us to reconnect as friends, and as husband and wife. But it was also bitter, in the fact that I knew the only reason I was there was because we had lost a baby. On my flight home, I was reading my Bible, and I felt the Lord say "The grieving period is over. Another child is coming!".
So that is it. It took a lot longer to heal from our miscarriage than I imagined. Which is why I didn't feel right about blogging. There are still evenings that I cry, especially as we draw closer to our due date - Jan 15, 2013. And the pain ran much deeper than I imagined as well. But if anything it reaffirmed that I am truly a mother. And that parents are not supposed to out live their children.
At this point, I do and I don't take comfort that I have 2 children in Heaven. It feels weird. And wrong, even though I know in my head that they are in a perfect place with our Savior who has perfect love, I can't help feel like what is more perfect than a mother's love (don't get me wrong, i know my love has a plethora of short comings). Its just not as simple as being thankful they are in Heaven, bc selfishly, I want them here, with me. It hurts my heart more than anyone can know when I think about that fact that I never had a chance to even hold those children, to know their gender - to smell their scent. I'm sure the Lord is not done his work in me in this area yet.
So that was our summer. And now we wait, for our next child!
